tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-73983838067692861522024-03-13T11:27:29.218-07:00Being Moody The Senseless Tales of Paternity, Marriage and the Ignorance of Manhood as Recalled by an American IdiotTanner Moodyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00935963308859004980noreply@blogger.comBlogger5125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7398383806769286152.post-82062454127391874332016-02-13T21:28:00.000-08:002016-02-16T21:37:38.480-08:00I Really Hate Valentines Day, But I Really Love You.<div style="text-align: center;">
<u>A Letter to the Beauty in my Life</u></div>
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Dear Wife,</div>
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You know more than anyone that I really hate Valentines Day. It is a burning hallmark bag of dog crap left on the doorstep of actual love as the billionaires of the world run into the bushes giggling. The problem for me is not that it exists, it is that us consumers actually open the door and step on it with glee before picking it up and throwing it at our spouse like it's a fucking compliment. </div>
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All of that aside, that is not what this is about. I don't love you for just one day, and I don't buy you fancy things to prove that I care, and I don't do nice things for you just so that you'll do nice things for me. I know that you know that, so I don't have anything to prove by <i>not</i> recognizing the spectacular love the two of us have created. You deserve that.</div>
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I try not to think about this often, but there was in fact a time in my life when you did not exist. I was in one place and you were in the other, unbeknownst to either of us. There was not a yearning to go out and find you, just as there was not a yearning for you to come find me. We had no idea the other person was even a particle in this entire Universe. And yet, we both were. We both did exist. We both made choices and sacrifices and endured childish relationships that knew nothing of a real center that led us closer and closer to a destination we didn't even know we were looking for. And then, in one single moment, there we were...at the center, meeting for the first time. Life is remarkable in that way, and I really don't care what the truth of it is because all that matters is that in that center, <i>we became one</i>. </div>
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So much has happened in what feels like no time at all and as you know, my memory is shit, so I will not even attempt to embark on a cliche journey though the history of us. The beautiful thing about what we have, though, is that we have no need to do that. We have no need to sit around in a snow globe of nostalgia just to feel a connection we hope is still there, only to have it fade into inevitability. Obviously we are not the poster children of a perfect love story...rocks and hills and rivers made of tears are laid out all around us, and always will be. To me, that is true beauty. We don't need perfect, we just need a single moment of eye contact, even if it is the only moment throughout an entire day, to understand how much we still love each other. Even more so, how much MORE we love each other since the last moment. In those shining spotlights of significance, the rocks and hills and rivers are behind us. We went around, climbed and waded through them, and we are still here. </div>
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Gandhi said, "Whatever you do in life will be insignificant, but it is very important that you do it."</div>
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I agree with him for the most part, but I'd like to make a slight alteration: </div>
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"Whatever you do in life will be insignificant, until you do something that makes it significant."</div>
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In two separate yet equally as significant battles, you have birthed our incredible children and become a warrior worthy of every honor. In doing so you have blessed us with a gorgeous, bright and utterly insane daughter and a devilishly handsome little boy with the tenderness of nothing I have ever known and the spark of mischief in his eye that is all too familiar. I will thank you for sharing that reward with me for the rest of my life.</div>
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You have gone back to school with two kids on your hip, a job and a husband who literally only knows how to make breakfast. Your strength and dedication to not only succeed, but over achieve in your studies as well as at home all at the expense of yourself has been the most remarkable thing I have witnessed from our lives together. You have proven not only to just me, but to our children, our extended circle, those that observe from the outside, and most importantly yourself, that it is possible to change a future that was seemingly already set. </div>
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You have shed blood, sweat and tears to ensure our family is strong and thriving, even if it meant that sleep was a far away fantasy you may never see again. You have struggled with internal fare I will never understand and have come out the other side in triumph. You have shown us that love is not a single idea, but a bond that is earned and worth fighting for.</div>
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You are an inspiration to mothers everywhere, and I have never been more proud in all my life. </div>
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<i>YOU</i> are truly significant. </div>
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So in the end, it does not matter that Valentines Day itself is meaningless, because it is yet another day that I have the privilege of sharing with you. What a wonderful life we have created together, bound tightly by the one that carries the candle in the dark: My wife, my Beauty. </div>
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I deeply and irrevocably love you and I believe in your love.</div>
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Yours for a while longer,</div>
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Husband</div>
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<i>"Until the heavens stop to rain."</i></div>
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Tanner Moodyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00935963308859004980noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7398383806769286152.post-50182506989289521992015-08-14T17:41:00.000-07:002016-02-13T21:30:33.637-08:00Gone Boy: A Parody<div style="text-align: center;">
<i><span style="font-size: x-small;">...A TALE OF BABIES, BOOBS AND BROOKE...</span></i></div>
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When I think of my life, I picture my head. Pretty average... hard, a little bumpy, though also soft in certain areas that I can never seem to find until I'm bleeding... proportionate to the rest of me, but perhaps slightly too large for my own good...most importantly, however, it is attached to a face. My face. The face everybody around me sees and defines as being me. But it's not me, is it? It's my representative, and representatives are good at lying to protect their employer. The most recent job that I gave to my face was to convince the people that can see me that I was good, honest and pure...a good father, an honest man, a pure soul. I thought I had instructed my face to lie again. The truth came at me like a well written twist and I was very rapidly thrust into a third act that I never saw coming. <br />
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When Beauty and I decided to move the family back to Buffalo, NY, we had a grand list of really good reasons. There was the big one, Beauty going back to school to become a Psychiatric Nurse Practitioner. There was also the lack of support for the kids when we needed it. A notable entry was the dead end street that my job had become, though for both of us, I think, the most realistic listed reason was money. We had none. I say it now as if we eventually got some, which makes me laugh and cry simultaneously. The breaking point that really lifted pen to paper was the second time since the ball dropped that I had to ask my Father for money to pay rent. For me, that is one of the worst feelings in the world. It sounds like failure and it smells like weakness. It even looks stupid...I get all shaky and my eyes dart around like a twelve year old farting during morning circle time. The point is, it wasn't a particularly hard decision and so we quit our jobs, packed up our apartment and left. It sounds so simple, though the reality of the ordeal also makes me laugh and cry simultaneously...<br />
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Queen B is three and a half as well as sixteen, drunk and on steroids. She's like the Tasmanian Devil in a Quentin Tarantino movie...SPOILER ALERT: Everyone dies.<br />
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She wants to do everything you don't want her to do with such furious aggression and to such a degree that when she actually wants to do something you DO want her to do, your brain can't comprehend it and suddenly you're cowering in a corner tossing Hershey kisses at her and sobbing prayers you don't know the words to. <br />
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<i>As I am dragged through the valley of the shadow of the she-devil, I fear everything...</i></div>
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This was reason #1 for my disappearance. This was one of the jobs asked of my face. "Tell the world I can handle this. Tell them I am there." It was easier done than said, because I worked a lot. However when I didn't work, I took up video games again. Or I walked the dog. I spent the minimal amount of time dealing with it as possible and so my face was able to lie fairly effectively for everyone but Beauty. She doesn't listen to my face. She knows my heart and she knows I was actually gone. The only obstacle stopping her from finding me herself was my sweet, handsome and completely relaxed son who also happens to be a severe boob addict.</div>
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This child quite literally transforms into a milk thirsting creature of the deep any time Beauty walks into the room. He makes these crazy repetitive sounds like the young Forest Gump when his teacher tells him about how much his Mother cares about his education. His eyes bulge out of his head and his fingers actually believe they are accomplishing something. Everybody always laughs about it. I tell them I know how he feels. They laugh.</div>
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I don't...</div>
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That was reason #2.</div>
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The point of this is all about the picture. A painting, really. We can look at something and see it, but the beauty isn't really there unless we know how it was made. Every stroke, every piece of the vision. These were my kids BEFORE we took away their home, drove to Buffalo, drove to Connecticut, drove to Vermont, drove to Maine, drove to Vermont, drove back to Buffalo. What they became during that journey is a part of the twist. Be patient, mother fucker.</div>
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The third key element to this story is a wonderful human being that both my Wife and I cherish in so many ways. Her name is Brooke Lindsley, and she is only one of the two people that I have named authentically on this Blog. Everybody knows who I am talking about when I mention Beauty. Everybody knows who I am talking about when I mention Queen B, Ham or Fatpug. Others that I mention might be a bit more vague to you, so if I called her T-Swift or Ski Bum, most of you would be lost. Brooke Lindsley deserves that clarity. She is my best friend, and has been one of the few people in our lives aside from Rhoadie (Andrea Rhoads) and certain family members that has proven how much she loves us over and over again. </div>
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Brooke and I have a connection so strong that we've been commonly mistaken as more than friends. Even Beauty has glanced a curious eye to a random butt slap or a bizarre conversation that was probably centered around flatulence or worse. The truth is, she is my bro and I am her gal. It's weird, I know. The beauty is in the Beauty, though. Not many men can say their wives are not only one hundred percent cool with their husband having that kind of relationship with another women, but that she is actually really close with her as well. It works. </div>
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Rather, it worked. We had to say goodbye to Brooke, not once, not twice, but three times along our Journey and every single time was just as hard as the latter. Another one of those moments when my face was a great liar. I smiled, said see you later and walked away. My head felt it, though. </div>
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For those of you following along to the gimmick thus far, Brooke is the Neil Patrick Harris of this story. Take that as you will. However she does not have a penis...that I know of.</div>
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As I said, after we left we didn't stay grounded. We zigzagged across the Northeast like a fucking paddle-ball. It wore down the kids and exemplified their temperaments. Queen B grew from a velociraptor with rabies into that terrifying hybrid beast from Jurassic World that can camouflage itself and rip off your torso without warning. Ham went from boob addict to Jared Leto in Requiem for a Dream. His arm could be falling off and he'd still be drooling down his face and moaning at the site of cleavage. These accelerated troubles made the driving and the sitting and the walking and the breathing really really difficult for all of us. I shrunk even deeper into my disappearance, showing anger over understanding, exhaustion over integrity, grievance over strength. </div>
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I had spent a very long time fighting myself. It was a very long battle in a very long War and it was never going to end. I wanted to be good, honest and pure. I really did. But my actions proved otherwise. I did things, said things to those I am supposed to care about, reacted in certain ways that made my own persona a lie. So once I realized that my head was lying to myself, I obviously could not continue. But my face could. It held it's ground and I disappeared. I retreated deep into my own personal version of self depreciation Hell. Finally, after all of this unorthodox living, after leaving Neil Patrick Harris/Brooke behind, after being accused of being drug addicts (different, shorter story), after wading through the darkness of insecurity....we arrived to a more grounded way of life in Buffalo. Except this time, I didn't have a job. I didn't have a hobby, I didn't have a better place to be or an escape or a reason to leave. That was when it happened.</div>
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Here it is...the entire purpose of this story - the reason you are still reading - the transition into the third act. I woke up the day after finally arriving back in Buffalo for good and looked over at the voice that woke me. It was Queen B, and she was smiling and so fucking beautiful. She took my hand and we went downstairs to start the day. When I arrived, my son was in Beauty's arms and he smiled so wide when he saw me that I had to double check whether or not he was looking at me or something completely useless behind me. He reached out for me and grabbed me by the face, still smiling. It was very similar to when Queen B grabbed my finger after she was born and I instantly fell in love, though this wasn't love. I already had that. I already knew I loved him. This was acceptance. He looked me in the eye and said, "Get the fuck over yourself, Dad. I like you."</div>
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I spent the entire day outside with both of my kids, sliding down the slip n slide, pushing them on the swings, rolling around in the grass and laughing until my sides hurt. I couldn't remember the last time that happened...my kids actually wanted to be with me. Queen B won't leave my side. Ham falls asleep in my arms WITHOUT THE BOOB. They enjoy who I am and I them. That is the twist. That is the point. I told my face to lie. I told my face to tell the world I was a good father, an honest man and a pure soul. My face obliged. But it did not lie. </div>
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I was alive the entire time...I just needed to believe it. It's good to be home.</div>
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<i>Hopefully Ben Affleck will forgive me.</i></div>
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<br />Tanner Moodyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00935963308859004980noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7398383806769286152.post-64283333998830857342015-01-21T05:35:00.000-08:002015-01-21T10:48:26.134-08:00Why Death Sucks, But Crapping Your Pants Is Always Funny<div class="MsoNormal">
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<i><u>...a story not about about parenting or marriage, but about loss and the immature hilarity of poop.</u></i></div>
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In life, there are so many extraordinary moments that stay
with us for as long as we live.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Some are
beautiful, some are graceful, some are hilarious, some are horrifying, some are
embarrassing, and some just really suck.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Whatever the case, they are extraordinary because they immediately
become memories that we carry around in our internal 90’s fanny pack.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
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The really cool part about it is that so many of these
cherished time capsules and figments of who we used to be are relate-able to
other people.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We talk about it, we
debate it, we laugh together, we cry together…because we've all been there. <o:p></o:p></div>
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We have all seen death.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Not only are we headed in that direction at some point, but it is all
around us.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Every day.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Sometimes on the News.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Sometimes on our Facebook feed. Sometimes in
our community.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Sometimes right across
the street. Sometimes in our home.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Sometimes in our hearts.<o:p></o:p></div>
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Death sucks.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
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There’s really no other way to put it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Fuck you, Death.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You are a very real bitch and we hate
you.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Don’t take it too hard, though, we
hate life too half the time.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We’re funny
little idiots in that way.<o:p></o:p></div>
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His name was Logan.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
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He was an internally tortured but externally goofy soul, and
we all loved him for it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He was my Best
Friend.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>For PR purposes, I should
probably say “is” and play along to society’s depressing optimism, but he’s not
anymore, because he is dead.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
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He IS, however, my favorite memory.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My best, even.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I remember him every day.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I remember his face every time I think I've
forgotten.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I remember his laugh because
it always started with a ridiculous “egghhhhhh” sound like a constipated
walrus.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I remember his temper tantrums
on the golf course when he’d send the grass farther than the ball.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I remember the way he’d smirk every time he
had something incredibly embarrassing to tell me, which was practically every
day.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I remember his passion.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I remember his anger.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I remember his pain. I remember his death.<o:p></o:p></div>
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But mostly, I remember the time he shit himself.<o:p></o:p></div>
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We were sitting in the front row of our history class junior
year of High School, being little assholes.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>We were chatting quietly back and forth while Mr. H was lecturing and
glaring at us with his famous, “I literally hate you,” look.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Logan glanced over at me and lifted his
thigh.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I knew what was coming and being
that I was most unfortunately immune to caring at that point because it
happened so often, I just shook my head and looked ahead as if I gave a shit
about the lecture at hand.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">“Dude…”<o:p></o:p></b></div>
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I looked back over at him and his face was suddenly pale,
his eyes wide and mouth gaped open.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p><br />
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"><br /></span></div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">“I’m pretty sure I just sharted.”<o:p></o:p></b></div>
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I obviously laughed and gave very little support to his hilariously
horrifying mishap, but did offer up an assurance test.<br />
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<!--[endif]--><o:p></o:p></div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">“Bounce up and down.”<o:p></o:p></b></div>
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He bounced, there was a distinctive “squish.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I heard the sound before he shot me the most
sincere look of horror I have ever seen with a rather dramatic *gasp*.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Heads turned.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>His face turned red.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I laughed hysterically.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He whispered over to me to keep my mouth shut
before waddling out of the classroom.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He
was gone a few seconds before Mr. H began to sniff the air in obvious disapproval.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">“Who just completely destroyed the air quality in this room?”<o:p></o:p></b></div>
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I promised I would keep my mouth shut.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I promised.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I wasn't going to say a damn word…and then I saw the damp circle he left
on his chair.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
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I lost it.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">“Logan just shit himself and I’m not even sorry!”<o:p></o:p></b></div>
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I quickly made my departure as the classroom full of tiny
little assholes erupted in laughter and further plans for humiliation.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>After the fact I did feel pretty bad about
it, but let’s be real…the dude shit his pants in a high school classroom.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It had to be done.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
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He was kind of pissed, but not really. He embraced the embarrassment, welcomed it even.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It became a legend.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>HE became a legend.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You’re welcome, motherfucker.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
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<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
It took me a long time to figure this out, but death is
quick.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It happens fast and the immediate
aftermath leaves no survivors, not even the living.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The long term, though, is a lot different.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The fact of death is long passed.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It is no longer relevant.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The only thing that actually matters anymore
is that there is a memory in its place.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Everybody has seen death, in some facet or another.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Everybody has their own internal 90’s fanny
pack.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You hold on to the beauty, you
hold on to the grace, you hold on to the laughter, to the humility, to the
tears, to the pain.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I urge you to keep
the beauty, keep the grace, keep the laughter.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Let go of the rest.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That pain,
those tears, the memories of grief and sorrow, they don’t belong to that person
any more.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They only belong to you.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You have the power to free yourself of the
burden.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You have the <i>right</i>.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Use it.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The next time someone says to me, “I’m sorry to hear about
your loss,” I’m going to smile and thank them, and then I’m going to say:<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">“Yeah, death sucks.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But did I
ever tell you about the time he shit his pants?”<o:p></o:p></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
And I’m going to laugh.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>And I’m going to be at peace because it was funny and funny things make
you happy, no matter how inappropriate. And in that memory and all the rest to
accompany it, he will be happy too.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
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<!--StartFragment-->
<span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi; mso-fareast-font-family: "MS 明朝"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-fareast; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">We will be at peace together, for all
my years to come.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi; mso-fareast-font-family: "MS 明朝"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-fareast; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><br /></span>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-WXgmhgmA5P0/VL84IUXFFRI/AAAAAAAAASg/uUax-VlIlRQ/s1600/logan%2Bme.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-WXgmhgmA5P0/VL84IUXFFRI/AAAAAAAAASg/uUax-VlIlRQ/s1600/logan%2Bme.jpg" height="325" width="400" /></a></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<i>I literally have no idea what is going on with my outfit here. What the fuck...</i></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<i><br /></i></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<i><br /></i></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Tanner Moodyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00935963308859004980noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7398383806769286152.post-68066365329727993012015-01-13T18:50:00.000-08:002015-01-21T10:44:44.827-08:00The Little Velociraptor That Could<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: 10.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">…Otherwise known as the time
Queen B was born.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br />
<a name='more'></a><br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Our lives are measured by moments; single moments in time
that define all that was before and all that lies ahead.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It is within these precious snapshots of our
existence that we are able to see ourselves clearly for the first time in a
very long while, or perhaps ever.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I have
had several of these inexplicable little gems, though there was one that without
a doubt stands above the rest.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I
remember it fondly because much to my surprise, I handled myself like a scholar
and a gentleman.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I didn’t panic, I
wasn’t riddled with anxiety and I knew exactly what I was doing.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It was the moment that I realized how strong
and courageous I really am.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’m talking
about the birth of my daughter, Queen B, and none of the above is even remotely
true.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
As a guy who was as ignorant as humanly possible to the
realities of pregnancy and the inevitable aftermath, I had absolutely no idea
what was going on.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Beauty had no idea
either, but it was a much different journey for her than it was for me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She had this tiny little human growing inside
of her that she could feel both physically and emotionally, while all I had was
the threat of death if I even thought about eating her ice cream sandwiches.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">“Isn’t it beautiful?”<o:p></o:p></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
She was totally infatuated with it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>To me, there could have been a hybrid alien velociraptor
in there and it would have made no difference.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">“Absolutely!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It doesn’t scare
the shit out of me at all…”<o:p></o:p></b></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-TwRwbjpzgmc/VLXWEqABOBI/AAAAAAAAAOQ/e2yCSz_UPXo/s1600/VILOCIRAPTOR.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-TwRwbjpzgmc/VLXWEqABOBI/AAAAAAAAAOQ/e2yCSz_UPXo/s1600/VILOCIRAPTOR.JPG" height="474" width="640" /></a></b></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The ride to the hospital was unbearable because although we
were both excited, we knew that we were about to open up Pandora’s box and the
unimaginable fear that resided in that anticipation outweighed everything.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Do we have everything that we need?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>What if she has a Cesarean?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>What
if I pass out and miss it?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Would that
actually be the worst thing in the world?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I think I’m going to throw up.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>What if she is actually a he and all of the highly trained professionals
with their million dollar baby checker machines were wrong and our poor he-child
will grow up with a father who has less testosterone than Jessica Simpson?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>What if she is born with both
appendages?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Again, would that actually
be the worst thing in the world?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>What if
she has two heads?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I could really go for
a breakfast sandwich.<o:p></o:p></i></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
We had decided that it was most likely the real deal because
Beauty’s water was leaking, as opposed to having ruptured.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I should actually clarify that:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Beauty decided that it was most likely the
real deal.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I was perfectly happy believing
that she had pissed herself.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It was
logical, justified and an easy concept to stand by. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Eight hours and fifteen anxiety attacks later, her dilation
gained speed and the baby catchers assured us that we were close.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Beauty smiled and gripped my hand.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">This is good.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This is good.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This is good……WHAT HAVE I DONE?!<o:p></o:p></i></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I’m not sure if you are familiar with how an epidural works,
but it is a beautiful and painless process that allows you to reap the rewards
without regret, said no one ever.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In
what disturbed and forsaken universe is injecting a needle the size of your arm
into your spine a more desirable choice than natural childbirth?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>When they pulled that thing out and held it
up with a smile like the fucking Texas Chainsaw Massacre, I nearly
fainted.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>When they told me I had to
leave the room and I realized it wasn’t for me, it actually wasn’t so bad.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Every man for himself…<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-gByu8O6G-Bw/VLXWW7r2fyI/AAAAAAAAAOY/00UKFo6C1e8/s1600/CHAINSAW.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-gByu8O6G-Bw/VLXWW7r2fyI/AAAAAAAAAOY/00UKFo6C1e8/s1600/CHAINSAW.JPG" height="474" width="640" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
In truth, it was a horrendous and hopeless feeling, and I
genuinely thought that Beauty was about to die.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>If I was afraid of her torso exploding and being swallowed alive by a
hybrid alien velociraptor, then this was the true blue reality of Hell.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The fire consumed my soul and I paced back
and forth in front of the door to the room, cursing the murderous she-devil
baby catchers and their plot to kill my girlfriend.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">If I had a very particular set of skills that made me a nightmare for
people like you, you’d be sorry!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></i></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The hopeless desperation was not unlike the time Logan, Fitz,
Toad and I went exploring in the old abandoned house in the middle of the woods
(that was said to be haunted) with only the light of the moon to guide us.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>By that I mean the new condo that was amidst
construction right next to Logan’s house in a well lit housing complex and
there was a better chance of the Bills winning the Super Bowl than there was of
it being haunted.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Nonetheless, we pretended the former and set off to brave
the dangers unknown.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>All of the interior
walls were built, but nothing was finished and there were signs all over the
place forbidding trespassers. It felt very rebellious.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">I am brave!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I am a brave fourteen
year old!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Watch how I roar!<o:p></o:p></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
We maneuvered our way through the dark and dreary corridors
(1,000 sq. foot condo), and finally made it to the top floor where they had
installed all but one of the windows.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We
had just crawled out of the opening and onto the roof with congratulatory words
for ourselves due to our bravery, when out of nowhere I caught a glimpse of movement
in one of the glass windows.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>When I say
I did not hesitate to abandon all hope and leave my friends behind to be eaten
by the condo ghost, I really mean that I quite literally took a swan dive off
of the roof.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-WsjBKXT2-dM/VLXWwiVL9qI/AAAAAAAAAOg/jMvXHYF52iE/s1600/SWAN%2BDIVE.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-WsjBKXT2-dM/VLXWwiVL9qI/AAAAAAAAAOg/jMvXHYF52iE/s1600/SWAN%2BDIVE.JPG" height="474" width="640" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
When I landed on the gravel in a sort of James Bond
somersault, totally by accident but no less awesome, I remembered that I in
fact still had friends on the roof and in danger of spiritual dismemberment. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They were staring down at me with eyes wide
and mouths gaped open, completely baffled as to why their partner in rebellion
had just hurled himself off of a roof in a fit of madness.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Time froze for an entire second as an eerie
haze of confusion and the sense of danger withered up their spines and consumed
them.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">“RUN!”<o:p></o:p></b></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Time began again and
the three of them split off in different directions, shrieking and hailing for
any safe haven they could find.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>As the
seconds wore on and my eyes darted from here to there and back again, searching
desperately for any sign that they were still alive, I began to put the pieces
together and soon realized that the movement I had seen was the reflection of Fitz
bending over to tie his shoe.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>By the
time the three of them reconvened and found me, the damage had already been
done and I thought it best to ignore my revelation and stick to the ghost
story.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The next day, Logan was grounded
due to an angry call from the elderly woman across the way who had been rudely
awoken by our blood curdling cries of terror.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The long and rambling point here is all about jumping to
conclusions and making idiotic decisions because of it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If I had just stopped for a split second to
use my peanut of a brain and decipher the situation logically, I would not have
lunged off of a roof into darkness at the risk of being mangled, Logan would
not have been grounded and the poor old lady across the way would have had that
extra hour of her life back as she lived out her days in peace and
solitude.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Seven years later, my severely demented habit of paranoia
remained fast and fierce and I was mere seconds away from bursting into the
hospital room with a plastic butter knife for a final sacrifice of love and
heroism.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Being that the most realistic result
in that equation would have been getting my ass kicked by a small team of nurses
just before my shameful arrest and life long ban from Mercy Hospital, it was a
very good thing that the door suddenly opened and I was welcomed back
inside.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The actual birth itself was so fast that it’s hard to recall
the feeling accurately.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Yes, it was
disgusting and yes, it was awkward and yes, it was hopeless to stand by and
watch the pain happen all for a hybrid alien velociraptor, but I think the
combination of all of those unfortunate necessities have numbed my memory of
the finite details.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Beauty tells me that
I was a great coach and that she couldn’t do it without me, but all I can picture
is the likes of Johnny Depp in Blow, trembling violently in place as he watches
his wife give birth just before collapsing into a heaping pile of cocaine.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I do, however, remember the moment Queen B
entered the world.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I can recall my first
thought very vividly.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Dear god, a miniature version of my Father just came out of Beauty’s
vagina.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></i></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I attribute it to a mixture of shock and disbelief, but I
could not get that idea out of my head.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>It was a torturous few seconds because I had fully expected to feel at
least some sort of happiness.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The fact
that I did not surely meant that I was a spiteful piece of shit and that I did
not deserve this precious and innocent miracle of life, now or ever.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The nurses carried her over to the cleaning
station and set her inside.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They began
to wipe her down as she shrieked and grasped desperately for some sort of
explanation as to why they had just drained her home and lit up the darkness.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>One of the midwives told me I could touch her
and so I reluctantly reached down in obedience even though I felt like the
worst person on the planet.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>As my hand
descended upon her, she suddenly stopped crying, opened her eyes and gripped
her delicate wrinkly fingers around my own.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>It was within that half of a second that something very strange
happened:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I fell in love.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Without warning I was laying on the forest floor in a dimly
lit hollow with the Sword of Gryffindor in my hand while a pissed off Horcrux
with my daughter’s face towered above me…<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">“I HAVE SEEN YOUR HEART, TANNER MOODY, AND IT IS MINE!”<o:p></o:p></b></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><o:p><br /></o:p></b></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-M_yrPLIzD88/VLXXz6LaiWI/AAAAAAAAAOs/8aumY47-raw/s1600/HP7.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-M_yrPLIzD88/VLXXz6LaiWI/AAAAAAAAAOs/8aumY47-raw/s1600/HP7.JPG" height="474" width="640" /></a></div>
<b style="text-align: center;"><o:p> </o:p></b><br />
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><o:p><br /></o:p></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Pandora’s Box was open.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>The floodgates were open.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The
smelly box in the back left corner of my storage unit that I had not seen in
five years was open. It was all out on the table now; everything, anything, all
of it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It was hard to breathe and even
harder to move as my eyes grew wet with tears and my face stretched to the very
brink of destruction as it found room for the most authentic smile of my entire
life.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
This is very cliché and has been said countless times by
countless people, but I was and still am truly dumbfounded by how much you can
actually love another person.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It is blind
and indestructible and entirely enigmatic, but it is real and instantly becomes
the only thing that matters.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>All of the
diapers, all of the tantrums, all of the attitude and the chaos… It’s all worth
it.*<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-iePKXZZrcXo/VLXYk8lzFRI/AAAAAAAAAO0/uerYVxt3E00/s1600/stink.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-iePKXZZrcXo/VLXYk8lzFRI/AAAAAAAAAO0/uerYVxt3E00/s1600/stink.jpg" height="640" width="640" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
*Kids, don’t try this at home…or at school…or in the car at
a drive-in…you don’t know what a drive-in is?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Go to hell.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
**In other news, when you try to picture the very same reaction
to the situation from the baby’s perspective it’s actually kind of hilarious.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
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<!--EndFragment--><br />
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">What the fuck are you?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>What the
fuck am I? I literally have no idea what’s going on and I’m pretty sure I have poop
in my mouth.<o:p></o:p></i></div>
Tanner Moodyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00935963308859004980noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7398383806769286152.post-15541739848099020672015-01-07T06:18:00.002-08:002015-01-21T10:44:31.345-08:00Sex, Turkeys & Macaulay Culkin<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<i><b><span style="font-size: xx-small;">...otherwise known as the time I found out I was going to be a father.</span></b></i><br />
<a name='more'></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
There is a moment in every young man/old boy’s life when all
of your fears, all of your anxiety, all of your arrogance and disobedience boil
to an unprecedented and scolding temperature.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>It is that moment when the embodiment of your debauchery of the past
grabs you by the throat and slaps you around like Monty Python’s fish slapping
dance.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It is the very brink of everything
horrifying, catastrophic and fatal that you could possibly imagine:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Your girlfriend misses her period. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Fortunately for me (or so thought my former asshole self),
that happened all the time.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If it didn't
happen, I would have thought twice about it. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Did we not have sex
this month?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Unacceptable.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></i></div>
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<div style="text-align: left;">
It was an accumulation of being stupid, getting lucky and
being unbearably cocky (no pun intended). At the time though, it was really
just a matter of enjoying sex and knowing for an absolute fact that only happy
and exciting things happen when you embark on the euphoric journey of
fornication.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>There were no consequences,
except for the time I farted much too loudly to justify a false cough or the
time I got a miserable cramp in my calf and fell off the bed into a sweaty pile
of irreversible regret of all things ever.</div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-ZOjAYAdB3DY/VK097gdyhLI/AAAAAAAAAIQ/3ffm1OMvi_o/s1600/leg%2Bcramp.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em; text-align: right;"><img border="0" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-ZOjAYAdB3DY/VK097gdyhLI/AAAAAAAAAIQ/3ffm1OMvi_o/s1600/leg%2Bcramp.jpg" height="478" width="640" /></a></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
On the last weekend in August 2011, at the incredibly wise
and all knowing age of 20, I was standing around Spencer’s Gifts staring at a
pair of Batman earrings that would have quite obviously made me the dark knight
of sexiness (though months later made me the caped douche bag).<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Unfortunately for my impenitent soul I was
not a patron, I was an employee, and as such I had nothing better to do than
imagine my innocent lobes kicking ass and taking spleens.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That was the moment that my co-worker began a
conversation about missing her period, or rather missing a period in
general.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<div style="text-align: center;">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">“It’s so scary!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I don’t know what I would do…”<o:p></o:p></b></div>
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Of course in my brainless head I felt that bragging was
perfectly justifiable.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<div style="text-align: center;">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">“It happened to Beauty
the other day…she still hasn’t had it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Not a big deal though, it’s like a common occurrence.”</b><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"> <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>*Laughs like an asshole.<o:p></o:p></i></div>
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
On the first weekend in September 2011, I was pacing back and forth in my in-law’s garage while Beauty was inside peeing on a stick. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">What a waste of twelve
bucks.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></i></div>
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I spent so much time convincing myself that this was all
just a big misunderstanding that it took me far too long to realize that I was
in fact pacing. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Why am I pacing if I’m
not actually worried?<o:p></o:p></i></div>
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
It was then that I fully understood the magnitude of the
situation, which is of course not actually true in retrospect but at the time
it was pretty fucking mind blowing. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">What if she is
pregnant?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>How will I react?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Should I cry?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Should I smile?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>What will the kid
look like?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>What will Beauty look
like?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>What if I’m a horrible father and
my child turns out like Lindsay Lohan or Macualay Culkin?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Jesus Christ, what if I turn out like
Macualay Culkin’s parents in Home Alone and leave the poor smelly bastard in
the house because I’m an idiot and I have absolutely no idea what I’m doing and
I go to jail because if it wasn’t a god damn movie they would go to jail and
then I’d be in jail and my kid would be alone in the house and obviously Beauty
doesn't fit into this equation because it’s entirely about me and oh my god I
think I’m having a panic attack.<o:p></o:p></i></div>
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The feeling was very much like the time I was walking down
the road as a wee lad to my friend, Devil-Dog’s house and I was suddenly
overcome by the feeling that someone was watching me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I did my best to convince myself that
everything was fine and that I was overreacting, even checking over my shoulder
a few times with my fists at the ready as though if someone was actually
watching me I would be able to utilize my kung-foo skills that I worked so hard
to perfect never.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The further down the
road I walked, the worse the feeling got and I began to panic and imagine all
of the torturous things that could possibly ingest my limbs and slurp on my
blood.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I checked over my shoulder one
more time for good measure and every bad thought that circulated my conscious
very suddenly had a physical form:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It
was a turkey, just standing in the middle of road staring at me.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">This is the worst
possible thing!<o:p></o:p></i></div>
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I stood there for a moment and stared back at this giant
(fairly small), malicious (quite innocent) firebird of death (turkey), and it
took a very rapid step towards me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Without hesitation, I turned around and sprinted down the road, most
likely in the likes of a penguin at the zoo that has literally nothing better
to do than look like an idiot.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I turned
around with tears in my eyes as I ran and to my horror, the turkey was actually
chasing me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It was straight out of the
scene in Jurassic Park when they’re in the jeep and through the side mirror you
can see the murderous spikes for teeth of the T-Rex as it gains traction and
there is no hope left in the world of dinosaur parks ever again.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-CjuDcJAqW6Y/VK0-73w5GjI/AAAAAAAAAIo/7WkoORBl07c/s1600/firebird.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-CjuDcJAqW6Y/VK0-73w5GjI/AAAAAAAAAIo/7WkoORBl07c/s1600/firebird.jpg" height="478" width="640" /></a></div>
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">I am going to die.<o:p></o:p></i></div>
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I ran like Forrest Gump (if forest Gump was an idiot zoo
penguin and the kids chasing him were a T-Rex/firebird of death/turkey), and
did not stop until I was inside Devil-Dog’s house.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I don’t know how long the turkey actually
chased me for and I don’t know what it wanted, but I remember how entirely traumatic
the experience was.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Why is this relevant to Beauty peeing on a stick while I
paced in her parent’s garage with a growing Macaulay Culkin phobia?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Because in retrospect, if perhaps I had
stopped to think about what was actually happening and had I not panicked, the
situation could have been quite harmless.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I will never know, but there is a good chance that if I had just turned
around and gone up to shake the turkey’s wing, we could have been great
friends.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Best of friends even.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I could have invited him over for
Thanksgiving.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
In all seriousness, I would have turned around and ran at
the turkey and it would have gobbled and shat itself and ran off into the
woods.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I would have been The Turkey
Master; the Almighty Bird Whisperer; The God of Turkey Chasers.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I would have never been afraid of being
chased by something I didn't understand ever again.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That was not the case, however, and about a
decade later I was faced with paternity and my death was imminent.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Finally, after years of pacing and hyperventilating, Beauty
opened the interior door and walked into the garage with tears in her eyes and
the pee stick of terror in her hands.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The
pink plus sign was vivid and irrevocable and my life was changed forever.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I can’t exactly remember my reaction, but I
think I might have smirked and said, “oh shit,” because that is clearly an
appropriate response to the situation.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Beauty cried and I began to panic all over again and the downward spiral
of shit upon shit upon shit that ALWAYS happens to a young man when his life is
utterly pulverized by the creation of a child…never happened.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I waited for it for quite a long time, like
Fatpug when she expects bacon every waking second of every day, but it simply
just never showed up.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Still hasn’t.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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Fatherhood is a lot of things, but a spiral of shit is not
one of them.<o:p></o:p><br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<div class="MsoNormal">
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Unless we are speaking
literally, and in that case…yes, yes it is.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>So. Much. Shit. <o:p></o:p></i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
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Tanner Moodyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00935963308859004980noreply@blogger.com0